We are slightly in a mid-life crisis, with aging parents hundreds of miles away, living in a big house with a huge garden and refusing absolutely to get help. We all try to persuade them but they are adamant. (Perhaps that is why we consciously have moved somewhere small.) Mother, in her mid-eighties has become like a delightful little girl again - from running her home so completely ship-shapely, and producing fantastic banquets, we go to stay and there is dust on the window sills and the bed-linen smells ever-so-slightly of cheesy feet- her sheets always had this wonderful smell of Fairy Snow and lavender --it is sad -- and yet, at 11.30am she is saying, "is it time for our drink yet?" A glass of red wine is now obligatory -- good for her heart you see, then at 5.30 the same thing -- and she is happy, even when she suddenly switches out of consciousness and forgets who we are and then , equally suddenly , switches back in again. It is hard to imagine them not around. I reflect on life and think of friends made from schooldays, from university, friends made when the children were born,when they were at school, friends made as we moved from one home to another. My best friend committed suicide a few years ago, another very good friend died a couple of years back --this is the time of life when one no longer seems immortal --so best just to get on, get up and ENJOY every day.

Today I cracked Fiendish Soduko in under half-an-hour! This is a record for me -- I have been addicted to Soduko ever since its introduction onto the back page of the Times a year or so ago-- strange really, because I am not a numbers man, and certainly not a maths person -- though a friend did say, "Well, what is maths if not patterns of numbers? And what is Soduko if not patterns of numbers ?" The two are indeed related so maybe I might be able to understand maths better these days than when I was at school. I was in the top set, constantly struggling so as not to loose face with my peers, and eventually achieving a grade 6 GCE pass at the end-- so there is a real sense of progress here with me! Something strange actually happened today -- I used a bit of logic in doing the puzzle that I have not used before, - when I tried to remember what it was, to analyse what my mental process had been, I couldn't. All I know is that it was the key to solving the puzzle in record time. Will it happen again? Let's hope so! It was a remarkable experience, as though a little trap-door opened up into a hidden little attic room in my brain , and there were bright shafts of light shining through the dusty window!! And I feel sharper and brighter for it . It is so obviously true that the more you use your brain, especially as you get older, the more alive you feel - what a great thing!

Living in a small space makes complete sense. We have cut our overheads dramatically, (and boy, did we need to!) but it needs care and consideration from each of us. There is one particular part of the through-way from kitchen to dining area to main living room where we are always colliding-- similarly over by the fridge and sink-- it gets very irritating sometimes, as if we are purposely trying to bump into each other - You just have to remember that it is chance that you were both in that space at the same time! And getting over that irritation is all part of getting used to living together as a couple who don't out to work. So it is fine. The other good thing I heard is that for every cross thing you say to your partner, there should be five nice things -- that is a very good thought to work by and end on for today. Does "I love you" repeated five times make up for "why the heck do you need to go in the fridge just when I want to wash my coffee cup?"!

Try as we may,our waist-lines seem to have expanded far too easily in the last few months.With summer slowly approaching it seems like a good time to re-do a mild Atkins diet which we tried successfully 2 years ago. Unfortunately it basically means cutting out biscuits, cakes, nice nibbly things-- quite hard when our routine tends to include:- a digestive biscuit with my tea and fag first thing, a chocolate wafer with morning coffee, a piece of shortbread with post-lunch coffee, a piece of home-made victoria sponge filled with jam and cream for tea and a rasberry ruffle or chocolate orange segment with post-supper coffee----Wooah, I've written it all out and NO WONDER we are expanding!!! (Despite a daily brisk walk to Pimlico or where-ever.) WILLPOWER is going to set in. Atkins allows half an avocado and 12 olives each day as your little extras -- and you are not supposed to drink but b----- that, we are not stopping our 2 or so glasses of dry white wine every evening - (it is from Tesco, one of their cheapest boxes and is really quite palatable as an everyday tipple.) Also, a piece or two of 85 per cent dark chocolate can't do that much harm---The regime is ok once you get used to it and last time we lost 2 stone each --Over the winter the waist-line has just spread but luckily, only a few pounds to loose this time -anyway, puts pay to teas at the Ritz for the time being (only joking!!)

To Gloucestershire for the weekend, staying in a beautiful old farmhouse surrounded by fields of sheep, cows, and millions of daffodils in shaded dells, with ducks and pheasants coming to the back door for their breakfast. Bowls of new-laid eggs, antique patchwork lace curtains, a huge fire, nettle,comfrey and wild garlic soup, quince, haw and apple jam,-- peace and stillness (and a lot of laughter of course). Are we making a mistake moving into the centre of town? We do wonder ---all this sort of idyll could be ours- but-- but what? I guess we are actually deep down city folk. There is nothing to stop us visiting people and then they can come up and enjoy the razzle-dazzle of the city. And of course a life like theirs doesn't just happen - it has to grow organically and they have been in their house for 30 years now --we are just a little envious! And then one has to remember the downside-- no mobile phone will work there (bliss actually but totally impractical for us!), they regularly get cut off by snow in the winter ,we have no connections whatsoever with the area, so, let us get on with our plans - onward and upward!

There's someone with the same post-code and the same name as me! Our new doctor phoned yesterday, asking if I had a serious disease--I said "no" and would never visit him anyway unless I was at death's door(to which he replied he hoped, without being rude, that he would never meet me.)Despite smoking, my blood pressure is ridiculously low, unlike poor Liz who has white-coat syndrome and had to get hers taken 6 times before the nurse would let her go-"Look,my love,I can see you haven't got high b.p but we have to get the reading down". I was saying"just breathe deeply, think of the sea "- eventually hers came down to just below the danger level!! The trouble is, it's the same evey time we have to sign on at a new surgery. Anyway, there is now a red alert on their screen when MY name comes up, to ensure I am not treated for the wrong disease! I had a nice compliment when someone said she loved my laughter lines--some might call them wrinkles but, ever the optimist, I am happy to have laughter-lines. Apparantly I am also in touch with my feminine side --well, I may wear the occasional pink sweater and I do like cooking but I am definitely not a new age wimp! The thing is, being rung up by the doctor in the afternoon made me feel a bit odd -a year ago he'ld have had to leave a message at work---

Went to see The Queen last week-(bit obvious that one!)Helen Mirren quite remarkable, the silent shot of Diana looking almost malevolently out at us with her doe-y eyes said it all - how COULD we have all been so stupidly emotional - looking back it seems unbelievable how everyone reacted- normally sane friends left flowers for her---- Then to the Royal Opera House on Saturday where we picked up 2 great seats (Returns)for £35 each- normal cost £80 or so each. OK so it was Thomas Ades's The Tempest- challenging but strangely compelling, and the production was superb.Cheap seats every day at 10.00am- though if it is Pavarotti singing, you would need to camp out overnight! Luckily we don't go for opera particularly but this one absolutely justified its reviews. Then, last evening to the Barbican for E.S.T playing jazz - totally brilliant! They take themes on magicaljourneys,more experimental at times but in the best possible way and again great lighting and production. What an absolute treat it has been to be in London over the last 7 days. Not saving much money but, hey, who cares?

So, we are preparing to put the ivory tower on the market-the question is,how much do we"house-doctor" it? When we read of people viewing identical beige show-houses,we realize that we can never be like that! Nevertheless, we are tidying up, taking a few pictures down - we are crammed from living in a big house until down-sizing 2 years ago (and we shall be going even smaller in the real centre)--Suddenly a call, the agent is bringing 2 people round who need to move quickly --Panic stations! Ciff the surfaces, hoover the floors, spray with grapefruit room freshener(Liz's) to get rid of smoke (mine)and bacon and eggs breakfast smell (both), grab the washing from the rack and stuff it back in the washing machine, tidy the airing cupboard,fling the slippery bedspread back on the bed + useless cushions, check the cutlery drawer-- apparantly, clean, tidy cutlery drawers are vital to a successful sale!!?? We go out for a walk. Back half an hour later,funny to think people have been nosing around--It isnt till next morning we remember the pile of damp washing that has been sitting for 24 hours in the washing machine--

Wow! This morning, sitting in our ivory tower overlooking the Thames it started to snow. The wind wrapped itself round our flat, howling even through the triple glazing. The snow started to fall,blowing in shafts, dancing erratically onto the river-- and such white horses! Wave upon wave seemed to roll up the river (or is it down-I'm never quite sure--)like a gigantic tide, a swirling quagmire . We have never seen it so rough --- My goodness, it makes you want to be sure the Thames barrier works properly!
Sure beats going to the office as we sit at the table by the window, cup of coffee in hand, planning the day, watching everyone struggling to work along the slippery pavements, battling against the bitter wind.

This morning , after watching a racing gig pass us on the Thames (practicing no doubt for the Great Boat Race) and various pleasure boats, and a barge filled to the gunnels with sand, we saw a sobering sight. Motoring slowly, in parallel lines, were a police craft and two emergency life boats, laden with crew, all looking over the side into the dark, dank muddy water. Their emergency lights were on as they progressed slowly up the river, doing circles every now and then as they thought they saw something . So, who was under the water somewhere? Some poor soul who had got up this morning and thought they could not bear life any more? Some old drunk who had tripped and gone over sideways? Someone who had jumped off a bridge for a laugh and got swept away? It is just quite a sobering and sad sight -- even worse when it happens at night and you see these vast flash-lights trying to penetrate the water as they rumble up and down the river, searching, searching, searching.

Found an amazing hidden little paradise today quite by chance-- Ranelagh Gardens, just next to where the RHS Chelsea flower show is held. You walk in and follow the path round, and suddenly you are in an oasis of bluebells, daffodils,narcissi,wild garlic, magnolia. The bushes and trees overhang the paths, creating little pools of shade- many are just in bud and the air has an almost perfumed scent of freshness and new life . The traffic, though not that far away, seems to melt into the distance and all you really hear are the birds singing to each other, and to us. Squirrels run up and down the trees, an old (I mean proper old!) man sits eating his sandwiches, a student lies outstretched on a bench in the warm afternoon sun, two elderly Chelsea ladies walk arm in arm along the path ---it is hard to actually move away and walk back onto the Embankment towards home. London is so full of these magical surprises.

No more office, no more canteen --the problem of what to prepare for lunch EVERY DAY from now until FOR EVER looms large -- unless a dear friend coaxes me out for a curry -- We are getting it down to a fine art though-- six sandwich mixes for six days -- (then good old fish and chips or whatever on the remaining day) -- so, the five mixes are
1 the obvious one, egg mayo with a few capers added
2 celery, cheese, spring onion, mayo/ plain yoghurt mix
3 chicken and bacon + parsley and mayo - a bit more work this one because you have to poach the chicken breast and crinkly fry the bacon before chopping finely- delicious though.
4 tuna mayonaise plus capers and horse radish.
5 Avocado, chilli paste, lemon juice,onion, tomato.
6 Sardines,or smoked macarel, boned, + lemon juice and cream cheese.
This does make getting lunch seem less of a bore -- there are so many meals to prepare once you are at home all the time - not something I ever thought about before! And whilst I love cooking, it is the everyday inspiration that I lack sometimes--

OK, so I know I drive around a bit during the day, and I have a shock of grey hair , and maybe I even stoop a TINY bit but---I went to fill up our pc environmentally - friendly mini at the garage today, and after I had paid, I decided to have a quick pee there (slight problem that one needs to go asap sometimes---) Got back out to the fore-court and the man in the car behind me got out and nearly shook me as he said,shaking all over, "You've made me late meeting my friends, you doddery old bastard---". The thing is, he was at least 15 years older than me , balding, 20 cms shorter than me -- talk about road-rage - vermillion in the face. I had made him late by 5 minutes max. I thought about saying, "well, I've done your friends a favour really" but I didn't, merely got back in the car with a gentle smile and drove off--- but it got me thinking--- AM I a doddery old bastard? Just because I am newly retired, does that mean I now join the ranks of pensioners with whom I have to share this doddery old bastard image?- Over my dead body thankyou.

So, we are now going to be moving into the centre of town in the forseeable future--Saturday we went to Berwick Street market and bought avocados, artichokes, figs, coriander, then on to Camiso's for proscioutto (the best in town!)fresh ravioli, parmesan reggiano and rustic bread -- then , with our shopping in proper soft plastic bags (definitely non-recyclable but hey, just the once--and we re-use them as rubbish bags anyway), we sat down at a little cafe in the afternoon sun and had cappucinos with loads of chocolate sprinkled on them and a slice of the most delicious orange cake ever-- a sort of pannetone with an orange custard running through it --- the sun shone down, people ambled by-- it was such a simple pleasure! (Though of course still the best time to walk through Soho is before 11.00am when everything is just waking up, the pavements are wet from the hoses, the smell of coffee is round every corner and day is beginning- pure magic!

So here we are on a Saturday night, waves lashing at the window, wind howling around the building, no lights visible our side of the harbour, fish and chips (with N0 mushy peas -not available at either pub!)- how different to the polite dinner parties we have attended in the past!!- Saturday night's mandatory invitation - chat about schools, house prices, restaurants, schools, houseprices, restaurants---etc etc -- this is still the stuff of dinner party conversation according to certain newspaper columnists so nothing changes - except WE have--it is no longer so important - art, music, books become increasingly relevant- things that touch the soul as opposed to the pocket - and it is a really positive development!! So, no money saved in the past few days, but not much gone out either - except £12 for two fish and one chips---??? But, life feels good and positive and the constant reminder that there are beautiful things to see - watching the waves, listening to the wind, feeling the rain - the idea of an idyllic tropical island or South Africa (where, currently, 3 sets of more oppulent friends are visiting) really doesn't feel as good as being here at this moment in time!

Bent double against the wind and rain, high above the sea on the coastal path, reviewing the past 2 months- an eye-opener of mega proportions. No one ever prepares you for this eventuality= being cast out from the bosom of your working life - not on the scrap heap exactly but desperately needing to search for the next achievable goal -- so , there we were, striding along, thinking, wondering, beating off the rain ---and then the sun cam out from behind a cloud--- and it was like magic -- everything brightened magically - the whole sea was shot with a silver light -- the clouds literally glimmered-- and we thought, "this is the most beautiful moment--- " - what price can you put on that?